Monday, February 26, 2007

Gratitude




To my loved ones, friends

and even strangers,

who have touched my life.

I am gratified

that in my sufferings,

your time and resources, and prayers seem like gifts from above.

In the end, there will be no tears

sad notes, mournful words,

no remorse for what you

could have done.

Life is too short

for all human dreams,

but it is better by far

to leave behind

love that bind us.

I feel heaven’s hold

And hear its call ~

beautiful and serene…

There are no words

with which to speak

or write about it.







This entry is dedicated to all those people whose time I have wasted listening to all my vents, rages, angst, frustrations, and hopes. You know who you are. Kung wala kayo, marahil ay baliw na ako.



Friends come and go but there are some you would want to keep forever but though you want to keep that person in your life that person doesn't usually agree to that and you end up wondering if they are worth the importance you've given to them in your life.



How can someone be such an essential part of our life and just vanish the next day? If I knew the answer to this I won't be having a hard time dealing with losing someone but I don't so I feel all miserable about it. I'm not good at handling new emotions and going through with this is something I don't know how to deal with. I'm not saying I never lost someone before but not in these circumstances. I would have easily accepted it if I did something really terrible but I don't recall doing that. I wish I know how to quit her but I can't. I know I'm being pathetic and ridiculous and is really damaging my ego but for some unknown reason I can't seem to just let go.



Things were said that no one ever intended to say and yet they were uttered and it brought about such emotional stress to the people involved. If it were up to me I won't let that get in a way of a good friendship but it was not up to me this time. She had made her decision and there's nothing I say or do can change that. Undoubtedly her decision to end it will cause me pain but it's something I have to accept and there's no use dwelling on it. Right now I just have to try my best not to think about her and I'll keep myself occupied with other things. I'll miss her for sure but life goes on.



Though I lost one friend last week another old friend had came back yesterday or more like I decided to contact her and meet up with her. Friends like her are the ones I should ensure I don't lose because in spite of us not seeing each other for months she's always on call when I need her around. Actually the reason why I asked her to have lunch with me is that I didn't want to stay at home because I might be tempted to try to contact the person who wants me not to talk to her. We talked for hours while I was passing time before I pick up my younger sister from school. It's always nice to know that there are people you can count on any time you need them and it's always nice to catch up on old times. Actually at one point in time we considered each other the best of friends and I'd always be her friend in school projects during high school and we've known each other since grade school. Originally she was a friend of my sister but when we were in high school we became close and we've been good friends ever since.









Stubbornness is never a good trait and so is too much persistent. I know eventually I'll get over this and just hope it's soon. I wish that when I wake up in the morning I'll stop remembering that person.





I even find myself thinking about the people who became a part of my life. Those who are still around, those who became a part of my past and those I want to just let go and be part of yesterday.

Indeed there are many people who became a part of my life and now I'm left to thinking who among them was worth knowing and keeping in my life. Some of them I've totally forgotten and stop being friends with, there are some who I try to forget but one way or the other they manage to haunt my thoughts. Right now I'm thinking of making one of them part of those people who just came in to my life, thought me something, I've learned to love and care for but will be best if she's out of my life for good.

You see I have this tendency to get too attached to people sometimes and yet I know that I'm literally wasting my time, effort, and money on that person but still I would insist on being friends with that person.

The problem with this whole forgetting about someone business is that you can't make it easy for anyone. You'll either get hurt or you'll end up hurting someone. The annoying thing about this is that you'll end up missing the person and even though you resolve to distant yourself from her and find other things to do, you still end up wondering about how she is doing and thus starting over a cycle.

A cycle of caring, being worried, being annoyed, being disappointed, and any other feelings you can think of. One thing hard about letting someone be a part of your life and opening yourself up to that person and eventually caring for that person is that you open yourself to disappointments.



I'm not even going bother explaining what I'm feeling now. I'm tired of that and besides even though I try to explain things to that person won't get what I'm trying to say, it always get misinterpreted so I'll keep quiet and will just one day stop talking to her. I think one less person to think about and stress over will be good for me. Besides there are still better friends left whom I should be giving more attention to. The only thing regretful about is the friendship is that you weren't able to do what you want to do to help the person out. It wouldn't be all that bad if you were able to make a difference in her life or at least help her with the mess she's in but then waiting for that to happen will just cause more unnecessary stress so I can't wait for that anymore and besides I'm tired of it.





On a related note: These lines describe how I feel for her. *winks*
I know I've done my very best to save my friend from that asshole If I'm not mistaken that bf he has right now is influencing her to disobey her parents.The whole thing about that bf has been going on far too long, don't you ever get tired of it? of course I'm very tired of reminding her and be her shoulder to cry on whenever that bf does something stupid such as cheating her and asked money from my dear little pathetic friend.


I'll give her time to be on her own this time, I just don't push it anymore. I'm going to distance myself from her and now is the time to do that. Giving up on her does not mean admitting defeat, it just means that I'm smart enough to accept things is not working out as I want it to be. ..





After all there this freedom that comes with age, and what am i going to do with all that? Be happy and never disobey your parents, especially they're the people would always be there for you no matter what happens.And keeps a select of good friends, including those from childhood and try myself to be open to new friendship. Anyway, I don't think I'll be journaling here... cause I'd be very busy to finish the marketing research I might not be able to post often in the coming days.=)


2 comments:

hi is dinoe said...

hi tita,

How can you not help but like someone if you talk to them and when you need something she will always be there for you. It also doesn't help that when you have nothing else better to do you end up talking to that person.

I swear people should not have idle time to contemplate about things. They are better off if you just give them a set of rules and they should be confide to that instead of having all this free will and intellect which basically just screws everything up since it leaves everyone dissatisfied and discontented with what they have.

You'll find out that what you think of that person is not what she really is. You'll find out that it was some illusion that she created whom you can get along with and may be understand her. With this also comes you getting confuse over caring, loving, and feeling sorry and you end up misinterpreting one over the other when in the end it was just mere guilt on your part because the other person didn't get to live the life you've had.

Thinking that friebdship is the same as caring and feeling sorry or you're desire to help out or whatever it is. I think for once you've gotten tired of someone and no matter how much you care for that person there were just too many things that you didn't like that happened that there is no point of staying friends with the person. Though you honestly want to help and make things better for her the offer were never accepted and sometimes you can't help but laugh why I even ask.

I'm not saying that you should expect something out of a friendship but surely the kindness you do for someone should be repaid some how or may be it's not just in the nature of that person to be like that, I'll never know cause I for one will stop trying to know that person more. I think you've reached a point that you just saturated and will be better off without a friend like her.

I'm not going to talk to her about it anymore, I've done.

Though there are people who disappoints me in life there will always be others who will make up for the disappointments and those are the people who I will never let go of. They will be with me until I grow old and die. I just hope that I don't die before them, I just don't want them crying over me. It's better that I cry over them than them over me. Well too much has been said again... so it's time to end this. .....tita that friend of yours is shunga

Anonymous said...

You know what's wrong about having too much time in your hand? Having too much time tends to make you think and when you think it tends to make you dissatisfied of what you have and then you find yourself wanting more or wanting something you can't have. You start to analyze things and then you find out that it's not what you want or you want something you don't have and eventually it all leads to confusion. That's what I hate about my situation now I have so many time to myself that I tend to dwell on things I shouldn't be bothering about if I have anything better to do. I find myself questioning so many things and getting confuse about things I never should be thinking of. I say too much thinking is really harmful for man. Look at what it did to me.

Look at me for example, I have the perfect girl. My family loves her and so do my friends. She's accomplished in her field and guys would actually die to date her and yet he settled for me and what do I do? I go get attracted with girls I know I can never have. I know one of the girls would gladly have me back but then I go fall for someone who absolutely has nothing in common with me and to make it worst who is very much in love with someone else. Talk about getting yourself in a situation but that's just me I have an uncanny ability of getting into situation normal people would have sense enough to avoid. I think I enjoy life's complications, I really thrive on making myself torn between impossible decisions (Yeah I know, pretty dumb eh). Why can't I just leave things as it is instead of wallowing in these uncertainties. I guess it's really human nature to make things complicated.

I don't know what I'll do now, all I know that the other girls I am attracted to have strong potentials to make me happy but then I know I'll just continue thinking about it. I won't even admit to one of them the degree of my feelings for her and I'd just continue ignoring the fact that the other girl and I still have feelings for each other. The other one it's just too unsure to even pursue. So for now I'd continue thinking about it until I come up with a solution or just get tired of thinking about it or maybe I should find something productive to do in my idle time other than fretting over this concern.



The one who I've loved the most and still in love with but for some reason or the other I can't be with her. The one who I love and living with but cannot figure out what kind of future I want with her. Those whom I've known since I was a little boy learning all about life. The one who liked me for some perverted sexual reason. The ones who talked to me because they need something from me and who would stop messaging me once they find out I can't give them what they want (I have a fair share of users in my life, those who would befriend me with the hopes of getting a favor or something from me). The one who in spite of years of trying to win her over, she insist on us being friends though she would ask me to be her date on events like proms, balls, and whatever social event she needs a date for at the last minute (For her I'd gladly put on a tux and be social and friendly to all her snobby catholic school girl friends) . The ones who remembers me when they need someone sensible to talk to, when they have problems with their live may it be their family, girl friend, boy friend, and even problems at work (Surprisingly there are people who think I am sensible and can give good advise). The little boy who at age five I had a fight with because he wanted to be superman too (Now he's the best friend any guy could ask for). The one who nearly killed me due to his senseless act of driving after downing a dozen bottles of beer and a God knows how many shots of tequila. My siblings who in spite of my craziness would love me no matter what I do. My cousins who thought me how to be ruthless no matter what other people threw at me. My uncles and my dad and his whole family who always expected me to be either like them or better than them (Sorry guys I tried but I'm better off doing my things). My abuela and my lola and ever dearest mom, three remarkable women who I had the greatest luck of being related to. The little boys and girls at the orphanage who sees me as their hero and not some ass who can at an instant can ruin his own life and other people too. The middle age priest who showed me God's love but would also aid me in fleeing my own wedding. My niece and nephew who always argues about who would sit on my lap. The one who I would drop anything I'm doing at a given time to talk to and listen to her life's woes but I can't rely to do something simple for me. so in your situation your bf is right that friend isn't good for you.

-andrew